Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Why It's Worth It

Some days it's hard to say why it's all worth it, but today was a day when I feel like God just showed off a little bit. He is so faithful to encourage me. I felt the need to sit down tonight and write it out.

The day started around 4:30am with a wet bed. K-man is wetting the bed again fairly regularly..go figure. After a little more sleep, we were up and at em for K-man's eye appointment. All was well, really, all morning. 

On our way to the appointment, we drove down a long interstate with a train track down the middle. I heard K-man murmur a prayer in the backseat, asking God to send a train. Sounds silly, but this might be the first time I have ever heard the child pray on his own accord without prompting, and it's something I've been praying over specifically for a year or more. Part of me wanted to go into a lecture on prayer...haha...but then I thought better of it and let the Lord do what the Lord wanted to do. Lo and behold, a train came. "Mommy!" K-man said, "Do you know why that train came? Because I prayed and asked God." I responded, "Isn't God kind and generous? He didn't have to do that, but he chose to send that train as a gift. What should we say to God?" And Keshaun thanked God for the train :)

When we got there, we waited in the waiting room for about 20 minutes or problem! Went in to see the first nurse and get eye drops...he didn't love that, but he did just fine. Waited in the waiting room again for about 30 minutes...piece of cake! Then, we went in to see the doctor. K-man did great for the whole appointment, but when the doctor said he needed to take out K-man's prosthetic eye, K-man was surprisingly upset. It's not all that uncommon for the eye to come out. It was strange he was so weepy over it, but he got through it just fine and wiped his tears. Then, he came over to me still a little weepy and asked to play with the iPad that he knew had died about 15 minutes before. "I'm so sorry, baby. The iPad's dead, remember? When I get home, I'll charge it up, and maybe you can play it this afternoon." And then it happened..."I WANT THE IPAD!!!" And he was gone...full tantrum mode - tried to open the door and run, hit me several times, spit in my face, took off shoes and threw them, turned over chairs. It was a sight to behold...just me, K-man, the doctor, and the nurse. 

My first thought was, "Are you kidding me? Now?? Here??" But I just did what I do at home. I took him in my arms, hugged him really tight, and tried to calm him down. Over and over for half an hour, I said, "I love you...I need you to calm down...If you calm down, I'll let you go and we can go home." Wasn't working...I tried something else..."K-man, are you mad about having to move in with your cousin?" Didn't work...just kept screaming about how he didn't love me, was going to tell my husband and my mom on me, and was going to call the police to come take me to jail. "K-man, you are SO MAD...I know you are...I'm kinda mad, too! Can you say it? 'I AM SO MAD!!'" "No," he screamed. I tried about 4 times to let go of him, but every time he flew off the handle again. Eventually, I had to pick the child up, pick up everything that was strewn about, and carry him out of the office, down the elevator, across the crosswalk to building #2, down the long corridor, up the elevator, through the parking garage, and put him in the car. There were a few moments I didn't know if I would make it...haha...he's a lot heavier than he was 2 years ago! We had a bit of a stand-off in the car seat, but eventually, we were on the road...driving home...whew!

Adrenaline was pumping...emotions were high...our local Christian radio wasn't cutting it for me. I reached for my iPod and turned my favorite playlist to shuffle. Some of the lyrics we heard on the way home...(tried to cut the list down, but these lyrics were all just too good!)

"How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom"


"There's a peace I've come to know 
Though my heart and flesh may fail 
There's an anchor for my soul 
I can say 'It is well'

Jesus has overcome 
And the grave is overwhelmed 
The victory is won 
He is risen from the dead 

And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise 

There's a day that's drawing near 
When this darkness breaks to light 
And the shadows disappear 
And my faith shall be my eyes"


"I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me"


"In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand."


"Grace reigns to pardon crimson sins,
To melt the hardest hearts;
And from the work it once begins
It never once departs.

The world and Satan strive in vain
Against the chosen few;
Secured by grace's conquering reign,
They all shall conquer too.

Twas grace that called our souls at first;
By grace thus far we've come;
And grace will help us through the worst,
And lead us safely home."


Somewhere in the middle of the drive, feeling so full after meditating on these words, we came down that same road with the train track. Wouldn't you know, a train came rolling down that track. I muted the music and said, "Look, K-man, a train! Look how generous God is and how much he loves us. He blesses us even when we sin." ...and I started the music again, but periodically, I heard sniffles in the back seat. I didn't acknowledge them...just kept looking forward and singing my heart out.

When we got to K-man's school, he was a teary, snotty mess in the back seat. 
"What's wrong?" I asked. 
"My head hurts," he said, "and my feet hurt."
"Do they? I am so sorry, baby. It's probably from that big fit you threw at the doctor's office. Tell me, buddy...who did you hurt when you threw that fit?"
"Me," he said.
"That's right, buddy. Did you hurt Mommy when you threw that fit? Did you hurt God when you threw that fit? Did you hurt the people you were mad at when you threw that fit?"
"No," he said through tears.
"K-man, when we let our anger control us, we always hurt ourselves more than we hurt anybody else. What could we do with our anger instead?" I asked.
"Tell mommy," he said.
"Yeah, that would be a great idea. Do you know what mommy does when she gets angry? I pray, baby, and I ask God to take care of all of the things I'm angry about. I ask him to help me trust Him. I ask him to calm my fears, and I ask him to take my anger far away from me. Do you think God would hear K-man if he prayed that kind of prayer?"
K-man nodded.
"And did you know that mommy sometimes makes foolish choices with her anger? Sometimes mommy says ugly things when she's angry or does things she wishes she hadn't done. Do you think God forgives mommy?"
"Yes," he said.
"Do you think God has enough forgiveness to forgive K-man when he does foolish things out of anger?"
"Yes," he said.
"He sure does. Do you think mommy has enough forgiveness to forgive K-man?"
"Yes," he said.
"That's right. K-man, I want you to think of the worst thing you could ever do...the very, very worst. Do you think God has enough forgiveness for even that??"
He nodded.
"That's right, buddy, there is nothing so bad that you can't be forgiven if you apologize to God, trust Jesus, and turn from your sin.
...and after a few more words, he apologized and went to class...had a good day the rest of the day.

Tonight, after we read from the Bible, I asked the boys what we should pray about. B-boy wanted to thank God for horsies and cows and firetrucks, so we did. K-man wanted to pray that God would keep us safe from robbers. He wanted to thank God for his doctor, and he wanted to say he was sorry for throwing a tantrum. I had him say the last part, himself, and out of his mouth came, "God, I'm so sorry for throwing a tantrum and thank you that you forgive me. Amen."

That, my friends, makes it worth every single hard moment. God is at work, and I'm thankful he encouraged me by showing me tiny glimpses in the midst of chaos today. Please keep praying.


  1. Long story short don't stop praying God sees the big picture. We also fostered to adopt we had 2 little girls for two years loved them so much, were told the whole time we were going to get to adopt them then had a court date right before Christmas where the judge decided mom got the girls back. That was so hard we knew God had a plan for us but we didn't have a clue what it was. Three long months later we got a call that DHS were picking the kids back up could we meet them at the office we got our girls back plus baby sissy. Yes God had a plan the whole time we just had to trust His timing....
    A year later the adoption was final. Now 9 years later we can see and understand a lot of why God had us wait He had to get the baby out of the mess... Will be praying for you..
    Yes it messes the kids up wish the judges would understand how bad it messes the kids's not short term it's life long...