Prison Letters

"The Lord sets the prisoners free."

Ps. 146:7

Our boys' mother is in prison. I won't go into any more detail than that. I figure it's safe to share this for 2 reasons.

1. Imprisonment is public information. The only way we found out was by googling (I'll discuss that more later).

2. We need to pray, and I want as many people lifting this woman up as possible.

K-man and B-boy have had scheduled visits with their mother (we'll call her T) for several months now - twice a week at the courthouse. T rarely attends, but she attended a visit on October 4. After October 4, she stopped coming once again. My husband and I had just been told recently that we could google T's name and find out a lot of interesting information. Since we feel like no one else involved with this case is doing sufficient research, we decided it was time to turn to google. When we googled her name, my heart stopped. The entire google image directory was filled with mug shots - the earliest one dating back to when she was only 17 years old. We found out her birthdate - only a few days shy of my husbands. We were litterally smacked in the face with a dark picture of this woman's life up until this point. On a hunch, I googled her name once again after a week or two of missed visits, and I discovered that she had been arrested on October 5. Then, I proceeded to e-mail everyone involved in the case to share the news. Let that sink in and convince you just how broken this system is...

Anyway, this is when the story gets interesting! I have a dear friend at church who does faithful work in prison ministry. I have frequently shared with her our situation and asked her to keep her eyes peeled for T from time to time. I went to this friend and shared with her the news that T is, once again, in prison, and I was able to tell her which prison it was. This friend contacted the prison and learned that she would not be able to visit T unless her name was listed on T's visitation list. My friend was instructed to purchase a blank white postcard at the post office, write a note to T, and ask to be placed on the visitation list. Then, she was given T's personal address in prison. What an opportunity! Well, I marched right into the post office, bought about 50 of those postcards, and gave them out to some of the most godly women I know who are a part of my family of faith. Since that day, women have been showering T with postcards of love, encouragement, and glimpses of the gospel. What a beautiful picture of the body of Christ at work.

Now, I wish I could tell you that my faith in unshakable, but the truth is that I have been so tempted, recently, to give up on this woman, which I'm realizing is extremely sinful - not because God will save her, but because God can save her. Even though I may not be saying these words out loud, my heart is tempted to believe that this woman is maybe just a little too far gone for God, but he's reminding me that He can save whomever He wants, whenever He wants, however He wants, and it's not my business to know His plans. It is my job to faithfully present the gospel, and believe that He is able, even if He doesn't. Colossians 2:13 tells us that we were all at one time dead in our sin. It's not like some of us were treading water, no we were all 100% dead. I need to fight the temptation to think that I or anyone else had anything to do with my salvation. It is just as miraculous that God would breathe life into my heart as it would be for God to breathe life into T's heart. Both of us had the same problem, and neither of us could do anything about it. 

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Ephesians 2:4-10

Yesterday, my friend received a postcard from T. Typed below are the words that we've been crying over for the past 2 days! Before you read, please note that when she refers to her children she'll never see again, that is her assessment of the situation. As far as I know, that is far from true.

Hello Mrs. _____________,

    I want to first and foremost say thank you for sendin your love and prayers my way.  When i received the postcard i cried because I dont get mail can you please ask ms. E to send me pictures of my children I will never see again let her know i said thanks 4 caring for my boys & i love her.  You were placed on my list the min you asked.  Monday visitation is... Please send pictures please Thanks 4 prayin 4 me let Ms. E knw I am really tryin & Thanks!! keep me in your prayers and i'll see you soon.  Ty 

                                 I will like to thank God for placing ppl in my life who really care  Ty  Mrs. ____________

Praise God! I do think she will be incarcerated for a while. I'm thankful for His Sovereignty over that, and I am praying that through this dark period, He will use many of us to reveal His gospel to T. 

• Pray for her - that the Lord would save her and radically change her life, and that He would continue to use our church in the process. 
• Pray for my friend, who hopes to visit with her on Monday. 
• Pray for one other woman, who also asked to be added to her visitation list. 
• Pray that each of us would be wise in our interations with her - that He would shield us from naivety but that we would exude His love and grace.

Forgiveness

Much of my growth over the last year and a half has centered around this word. The other day at church, a dear friend of mine shared a humbling and convicting Truth with me. It speaks to a lot of the same things I have been learning this year, but it has also challenged me this week to think even more deeply about grace and about forgiveness. I thought I would share it here.

We often find ourselves in the difficult situation of waiting for someone to apologize for their wrong-doing. Sometimes it takes an hour. Sometimes it takes a day. Sometimes it takes weeks, months, years. Sometimes we may never hear that apology or see that remorse. My friend reminded me to remember the cross - specifically that when Jesus willingly died for me, I was not kneeling before him pleading for forgiveness. I was mocking, spitting, and hating the One who would save me from my sin.

"For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8

This is where I can draw my strength to repeatedly and genuinely forgive children who display months of hateful behavior with no glimmer of remorse. This is where I can draw my strength to repeatedly and genuinely forgive biological mothers who have a lengthy criminal record, no sense of personal accountability, and no feeling of remorse for the trauma they inflict on their own children. I'm preaching to myself here, can you tell? Where I have difficulty forgiving, I need to put myself right back at the feet of the cross once again and reject the temptation to think of myself any more highly than those who wrong me or wrong those who are important to me. Apart from His grace, I was an enemy of God, hostile in mind, doing evil deeds (Colossians 1:21), and He died in my place on a cross while I laughed in His face. 

Lord, help me to forgive those who do evil in this world while laughing in my face. Help me to trust You, the Sovereign Judge. Help me to be faithful in my job as a parent and as a believer. Use me to admonish others and to help weed out the evil that pervades the hearts of my kids and the hearts of those around me, but help me first to forgive them fully and love them sacrificially.

It's about time...

OK...I'm really going to do it. I'm finally going to sit down and try to write a succinct blog encompassing all that's going on in our little home. Then, I'm really going to try to be more faithful about posting once a week or so. To those of you who have given me guilt trips and harassed me to the point of blogging, I thank you. It really has been a whirlwind, and I hate that the lack of time has forced me to neglect my blog! Here we go...

K-man's behavior

I have no words. I don't even know where to start. The growth we have seen is nothing short of miraculous. Let me take you back to July...After 7 months of getting to know this child, here's what we learned. K-man had one emotional response to all uncomfortable situations. Scared? Anger! Lack of confidence? Anger! Frustrated? Anger! Impatient? Anger! Sad? Anger! Nervous? Anger! Our challenge was trying to peel back those layers of anger and get to the heart of the issue which often was not anger at all. When his anger reared it's ugly head, at the moment, it did so in the form of disrespect, name calling, attitude, and the occasional acting out. We have come a long way since the very beginning when he was frequently prone to hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing. We started therapy, which was quite helpful. I also received some good advice from our agency as well as advice from dear friends - amazing Christian parents with wonderful kids who center their parenting entirely around the gospel. Sifting through all of this and deciding (with my husband) on which strategies to employ was challenging, but we moved forward, and God, in His grace, has shown us over and over and over again that He is in control and that He is moving in the heart of this precious boy. Please continue to pray for this process. For those who are in similar situations, here's what we found that worked:

• Strategy 1: Give as little attention as possible when an episode occurs. I would calmly say, "K-man, if you do _______ one more time, I'll have to __________." I'm becoming an expert at thinking of consequences on the spot...haha...it really is a skill that I've had to hone. Then, I often walk out of the room or at least turn my back and give him time to think about his choice without the attention. 90% of the time, he chooses wisely and we move on. In the other 10%, I calmly and quickly follow through with the consequence. If it sends him into a rage, I will follow with another calm consequence, "K-man, if you cannot calm down, we'll have to _____________." Usually, after a series of 2 or 3, he calms down, and we move on. We know this is nothing revolutionary, but for a while, we were requiring an apology before we would forgive and reconcile. We would punish him, then we would sit and talk with him about what had happened, expecting it to end with remorse and apologies. All of a sudden, we weren't getting that any more. We would punish, try to talk, and only get more and more and more anger.  While we still longed for that remorse, we really had to abandon that expectation for a week or two. The great news is that with patience and perseverance, we have come back around to being able to expect remorse and apologies. This strategy, however, was a bridge to that end. In those days, he had emotions running wild that were spilling over in unacceptable, irrational ways. The kindest thing we could do was to give clear boundaries and a whole lot of grace.
• Strategy 2: Offer healthy ways to express anger. A $5 Wal-Mart punching bag worked pretty well at our house. If he started to act angry, we would ask him if he needed to go hit the punching bag. He knew that he could do that with no negative consequence, or he could act out and be punished. It really was a good tool for him during those difficult days. 
• Strategy 3: Give freedom to express emotions and put words to their feelings. We found a lot of success in getting him to come to one of us and tell us he was angry. Since then, we've even been able to help him sift through emotions by asking, "Are you sure you're angry? K-man, I think you might be a little nervous with all of these new people around. Do you want to come sit in my lap for a few minutes?" Now, he can distinguish the two, and he'll tell me, "Ms. E, I'm a little nervous." Or he'll come to me and hold out his arms to be picked up. We praise God for this on a daily basis.

I hope these are helpful to someone. Again, it's not rocket science, but these small adjustments helped us tremendously as we were trying to keep our heads above water. I'll also say this - do not try to be an island!!! Do not convince yourself that you're the only one who would ever get to the end of your rope and need help. I hit rock bottom a couple of times, and I was so thankful for my agency and for dear friends and family who talked with me, took my kids for a couple of hours, and more! If you are a foster parent, you will have some very ugly thoughts and feelings...do not hide them...be transparent and get some help!

So, how is K-man's behavior these days? (and more importantly, how is his heart?) He started school in August. Each Friday, they award the "Super Cape" to the Super Friend in the class. On the second week of school, K-man was given the Super Friend Cape. His teachers told me it was because he was kind to the other kids, great at sharing, very respectful, and just a joy to be around. At home, we've had no acting out behavior in the last 2 to 3 months. We're able to discipline for some deeper heart and attitude issues without fear of angry eruptions. He cries more often than he gets angry now!! We have no need for the punching bag. He has become quite the little greeter at church...greeting everyone with eye contact, standing still, answering questions, yes ma'am, no sir. Many of these things are just subjective behaviors, we realize. Whether he says "yes ma'am" or not, what we really care about is his heart, and I can tell you that God has brought him to an entirely different place these days. God has torn down fears that paralyzed K-man, he has built in trust of others, respect for authority, and a kind, gentle, compassionate spirit. We cannot say enough amazing things about God's work in his life.

B-Boy Update

Well, believe it or not, the little 5-month-old affectionately known as B-Boy has turned into a 16-month-old, who walks, runs, dances, talks, throws fits, and more! He is a busy boy, and just as full of joy as he always has been. If you don't come at dinner time, you'll probably leave thinking he's a complete angel...haha! Disciplining 2 children has definitely proved more challenging than disciplining 1, but play time with 2 has also proved to be infinitely sweeter. We love these boys more than we can say.

My Husband and I

My husband's back has been better lately. He's not had any flare-ups, and he received his second spinal cord injection on Friday. This week we should know whether that is going to provide relief or not. We finally got several home projects finished that were put on hold with his back issues and the boys' return. The house is less chaotic, and for that we are so grateful. Our schedule has also changed tremendously. K-man is in Pre-K every day from 8:30am-3pm. I was very wary of that transition and pretty convinced that it wasn't going to work. I was poised and ready to pull him out if things didn't go well, but thankfully, it has been such a sweet blessing in his life. He has thrived in this school setting, both socially and academically! He adores school. He loves his friends. He is facing fears every day and overcoming them. It's been a real blessing from the Lord, and I'm thankful He led us in that direction. B-boy  is also in a MMO program one morning a week, so I'm just finding a bit more time to myself, and more time to focus on my little man. Those 4 hours in the evenings before bed time are all the sweeter, so life is just really in a sweet spot right now.

Court

Blah...here's where it gets ugly. For the sake of honoring confidentiality agreements, I won't be able to share much here. Just suffice it to say that we're deeply discouraged by the tone of this court case. We're concerned about our judge's ideas of what should happen, and we're praying constantly that the Lord would protect these boys by not sending them home. You know that my husband and I are very pro-family, so it's taken us a lot to get to this point. Pray for their protection. Pray that we would continue to love their momma, but pray that she would be given responsibility and accountability. Pray that decisions made would be wise decisions that consider the health and well-being of these 4 precious boys.

The Older Brothers

We had our first opportunity last weekend to take all 4 boys out for a day trip. We went to the zoo and to a local (quite famous) burger place. We had such a great time! We are thankful that these boys are in what seems to be a great foster home. Their hearts, likewise, are being molded into kind, respectful, obedient young men. Pray for wisdom as we think through our involvement in their future as well. The Lord is really giving us more and more tenderness and love towards those 2 boys.

Prayer needed

I hate that I'm just now updating, but we are in need of prayer. We've had a long string of wonderful days this summer! That's why I hate to just be posting now. I owe you a huge update about birthday parties, sibling visits, and all the wonderful fruit we've seen in the lives of these 2 boys! Unfortunately, this is not that post. K-man's behavior has tanked the past few days, and I mean big time. We are literally falling to our knees praying for wisdom, patience, and love. I am, yet again, confronted by my sinful nature that wants to give up on it all. Please pray that we would believe in the gospel and that the Holy Spirit would continue to empower us to lay down our lives for these kids for His glory. Pray that we would find our security and our peace in Christ. Pray that the Lord would grant us wisdom every moment. Pray that we would be encouraged along the way. Pray that my husband and I would remain a strong unit through this difficult period. Pray that we would display the fruit of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

They're back!!

Well, the boys are back, and no one is more shocked or surprised than we are. I don't have long to post, so I won't be able to give you much of a window into my emotion right now, but I'll do my best in a few words. To say I cried when I found out would be the understatement of the century. I almost had a full-blown panic attack. We're talking uncontrollable sobbing, indecipherable speech, and near hyperventilating...haha! In one huge rush, everything came flooding into my brain... Our house was a wreck with several home projects still in the works. Ricky's back is still very touch and go I had to plan and teach a class this morning with the boys in child care again...yikes! The crib needed to move There was an extra mattress sitting in K-man's room. We had no food. My parents are coming to visit this weekend. Add that and more on top of my broken heart upon hearing this emotionally charged news - not knowing what had reslly happened to my precious boys, and I found myself wanting to close this door, forget it ever happened, and just proceed with the somewhat self-centered life I had been able to lead for the past 2 months. That being said, however, I knew the second I got the call that we had to take them back. To say that God has sustained us would also be a huge understatement. I woke up early this morning and practically ripped open the pages of my Bible. Not really knowing where to begin, I started with the first chapter of the book of James, because i'm in a Bible study on James all summer. I read James 1:1-18 and was, once again, speechless at the love of my savior, Jesus Christ. I am so tempted to think that i have somehow reached my quota of trials and paid my dues, but James tells me that I need to let steadfastness have it's full effect, and so I press on...in His strength. By the end of tonight, after the boys came to us late last night, it almost feels like they never left. Praise the Lord who is a Father to the fatherless and let's us join in this wild ride with Him.

Oops!

I forgot to keep you posted! Haha...oops! Little Guy, while he was adorable and a lot of fun, was not a member of our little family for very long. He left for court at 7:30am on Thursday, May 31, and at noon, I had heard nothing. I tried to call the case manager. My agency was trying to call as well. Finally, at 5:30pm(!!!!!!) the case manager answered my agency's phone call and said, "Ohhh...I was just about to call you..." (likely story...) Little Guy had gone home that morning. We're at the point where we just have to laugh. Were it not for us hounding them with phone calls, they may have never thought it necessary to call us or our agency to tell us he would not be coming home to us. Crazy!

So, our house is empty again. Here is a snapshot of what's been going on at our little house since the boys left...

First...we went here (thanks to our amazing agency who surprised us and rewarded us for recruiting a couple of new foster families last year)

Then, my husband's sister got married with a DIY reception, so the next week with my newly freed up calendar, I got to work on this fun project with my amazing in-laws...

Then, I got down to business reorganizing, purging clutter, and taking on some home projects that have been on the to-do list for quite some time. With my new realization that having kids around = no time to do these things, I jumped in with both feet to get as much done as possible! This is our kitchen table and hutch that we're (very slowly) refinishing. Seriously...will this project ever end??

One of my favorite projects has been in response to my sweet, although sometimes precarious, time with K-man in the house. We've chosen several scripture passages to display all over the house using vinyl lettering. Some will be useful teaching tools. Others are intended to be an encouragement to myself and to my husband when the walls start to close in. The Lord has already used this first one many times to encourage and challenge me.

Unfortunately, shortly after I took on all of said home projects, my husband was diagnosed with a herniated disc in his back, so the last few months of his life have looked an awful lot like this...

He started struggling with this about a month before the boys went home, but it really flared up soon after they left, putting him in the bed for several days and forcing him to now spend most, if not all, of his time either standing or lying down. He's been slowly improving until this past weekend, when he wound up right back where he started for no apparent reason. We are thankful to have this window of time when he's able to recuperate without the added stress of kids in the house. I, on the other hand, find it difficult at times to rest in this new season of life. I've spent a good bit of my time babysitting my friends' kids, and this past week, I had a good amount of responsibility for Vacation Bible School at our church to keep me busy. The reality is, though, that I miss being a mom, and I'm anxious to fill those shoes again. I'm thankful that He is sovereign and knows exactly what I need (even when I might be tempted to disagree :).

Oh yeah...and then, of course, we had about 48 sweet hours of this...

Before I close, I want to give you a quick update on K-man and B-boy. We have been overwhelmed by the gift of being able to talk with K-man, B-boy, their 2 older brothers, and their momma once a week since they went home. Their mother sought this out, and we couldn't be more thrilled. Hearing their voices, knowing they're ok, singing songs, hearing them laugh, and hearing them say "I love you," have all been precious gifts that we never expected to have. Unfortunately, we recently heard that things were not well in their family, and just last week the phone number we have used to stay in touch with them was disconnected. Right before the phone was disconnected, I had a neat 20-minute conversation with their momma, and she opened up to me about many of her struggles. My husband and I have looked into a potentially life-changing opportunity for her two older boys, but once we started putting all of those pieces in place, the phone was disconnected. I try calling every day, but I'm not sure if we'll hear from them again or not. For me, it's been a grieving process all over again. I had really gotten used to the idea of hearing those voices and being reassured of their well-being once a week. I had also gotten really excited about the possibilities presented by this amazing opportunity. With this new chapter, I'm having to remind myself of His Sovereignty daily and find rest. Again, I have to make sure I say that every twinge of grief comes coupled with about ten times as much joy, but I'm starting to miss them in a whole new way.

Please pray:

• that my husband's back would heal. Until then, however, pray that He would find contentment and that the Lord would produce spiritual growth during these discouraging days.
• for the safety and well-being of K-man and B-boy's family
• for K-man and B-boy's mom 
• that we would be able to reconnect with K-man & B-boy's family
• for His timing in bringing the next children into our home. We have a few respite weeks/weekends on our calendar, but we're holding off on taking any more placements until my husband's back heals.

"I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. 

In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing 

plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:11-13

Little Guy

Well, after much confusion, Little Guy did finally come to live with us on Tuesday evening. His mother had signed papers to give custody to the state on Sunday. On Monday, our agency had gone to the hospital, waited for 4 hours for discharge paperwork, gone to pull the car around to load Little Guy up for the ride. Then, all of the sudden his mom returned and had potentially changed her mind. Not really knowing the law amidst all of the confusion, the nurses at the hospital would not discharge our Little Guy, so he stayed one more night in the hospital. Then, we got the call to pick him up Tuesday evening in order to stay with us at least until court today (Thursday).

He was born at 6 lbs. 10.2 ounces, so he's a tiny little thing. We've never had a baby quite this small, so we're on the learning curve for sure. I think my husband is in heaven. We've discovered he just adores babies. Sleepless nights and all, he's pretty fun to have around, but now we're still waiting for news from court this morning. He may go home with mom today or he may come back to us. If he comes back here, we're going to have to get down to business...pulling out my baby books again and getting this little one to sleep at night!

I'll keep you posted!