New Mercies

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

Let me begin by saying that yesterday was miserable. I hate to be so negative here lately, but this is just real life for us these days. I must say that we had some WONDERFUL time in January that may not have gotten ALL of the blog attention that it deserved, so please don't think this has been all bad. It's been mostly amazing, but these days seem to be 90% bad...haha.

Days have been really trying for a couple of weeks now, but they seem to only be escalating recently. Yesterday, we started the day with no toys...every last one had been taken away the day before. First thing in the morning, K-man created a battle over a bowl of cereal that turned into hitting me, hitting my husband, biting my husband, throwing a glass coaster, screaming, etc. We had to put him in his room to calm down, where he almost beat down the door. Good morning!

I was at the end of my rope. My patience was just about gone, so I called and was able to take K-man to our foster agency for the morning. I poured my heart out to my (practically) extended family over there, and then I had a couple of hours to run errands and decompress. Then we came home, and I told him (by recommendation from the agency) that he would be visiting his momma after nap time. He threw his, now typical, nap-time fit, so I walked away and closed the door -vowing to him that I would not come back in the room until nap time was over. Then, I got to listen to shoes being thrown at the bedroom door for 2 hours. At 2:30, before a slated 3pm pick-up for visitation, I got a phone call that said visitation would not occur. My emotions went crazy...angry at k-man's disrespect, sobbing over the fact that they would not be visiting with mom and I would have to break the news, angry at their mom, honestly ready to throw up my hands and quit, secretly hoping that they would go home Thursday although I knew it was not best for the boys. When nap time was over, to add insult to injury, K-man was pretty much laughing in my face for the rest of the afternoon. A dear friend came over to help me survive...haha! And as soon as bed time hit, my mother-in-law came so that my husband and I could get out of the house.

We went to dinner, prayed, and talked, and my heart began to soften. Here was my struggle...up until this point, I found it rather easy to forgive K-man's bad behaviors and move on, because I was consistently hearing a very sincere "I'm sorry," after disciplining him. Even if it happened again, I knew his heart was being molded. These days, I rarely get "I'm sorry." most often, I get disrespectful laughter in my face. My strong-willed self was (is) having a hard time not just continually punishing K-man all day for his actions that morning...or even the night before! I was holding an angry grudge, and i could not let it go! The Lord called to mind the aforementioned scripture, and all of a sudden it had an even deeper meaning. All of a sudden, I was brought to my knees in gratitude for the overwhelming love of my heavenly Father, and I thought to myself, how can I best picture the gospel for K-man right now?

So...fast forward to this morning...I helped him get ready with the loving, joyful spirit I remembered showing him before this madness, and he disrespected me like crazy...talked about hitting me and laughed like crazy. We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and he grumbled and complained about having to wait - trying to pick fights all along. My husband stayed home from work, and we went to a place with inflatables, trampolines, and a rope swing. We gave so much grace today, I don't even have words to express it. We went to McDonald's for lunch (HUGE treat in our house)! For many reasons, we tried our very hardest to make today a good day. Was it perfect? Hardly. Was it helpful? Hard to say, but what I do know is that if K-man goes home after court tomorrow, he will know one thing for certain - in our home he was loved in a radical way. He was loved dearly despite every effort he made to pull away.

I clung to this scripture today, because I needed to know that His mercy for me was brand new today, and I needed to know that my mercies needed to be TRULY renewed toward this boy as a reflection of Christ's love for him.

Please pray for all involved tomorrow. I will be a basket case at the end of the day - regardless of the outcome. I know that the boys do not need to go live with their mom right now, so if they do, I will cry like a baby. I also do not have any desire to endure much longer in this state of existence, so if they stay, I will cry like a baby as I look out over a seemingly impossible task. However, His promises remain the same, and we will remain faithful to the task At hand until He removes it from our hands, and we will try to consider it pure joy as we face trials of many kinds. I will update when I am able. Pray that His hand is on the decision made as well as the process and timing of it all. Thanks to all of you.