That is the name of the game at our house these days. For the past couple of weeks (ever since K-man and B-boy resumed visits with mom, coincidentally), we have been struggling with stubborn, defiant, and sometimes violent behavior from K-man. It's been challenging, to say the least, and I felt the need to write about it.
We're learning that, although the wonderfully compliant behavior was amazing in the beginning, it was most likely born out of fear and anxiety, and potentially not a healthy thing in the long run. What we have now is a child who is learning that he is loved and who is testing my husband and I to see if we really will be patient with him and continue to love him, despite his poor behavior. Now, he's not able to articulate this, and he probably isn't even aware he's doing it, but our challenge is to continue to be firm and draw hard boundaries while still communicating love and patience. I've not had my own, biological kids, but I imagine that this is a good bit more difficult with foster kids than with biological kids. I do not have a true mother-son bond with K-man, so to be quite honest, there are times when I find it very difficult to love him - sometimes difficult to like him at all. While I know biological moms probably have similar feelings from time to time, you most likely still have a mother-son bond that pulls you to your child (shared experiences, memories of birth and infancy, etc.) We don't have that, and it makes it hard to press on sometimes.
The biggest challenge we're facing is choosing our battles. With our biological kids, we will not tolerate much of the attitude and argumentative disrespect that we must tolerate with K-man at this point. With K-man, we're having to start at square one, "You may not ever hit or bite anyone." We try to tackle the others as we can, but honestly, when he gets angry and storms off, we consider that a huge victory right now...no hitting = success!
We had recently come to a point where we were able to work on other issues such as immediate obedience and attitudes, but we've since taken two steps back now that visits have resumed and the hitting has returned. Recently, along with the increased acting out, we've noticed some really unusual comments and conversations that indicate a lot of real wrestling in K-man's heart. Just this afternoon, when we were putting him down for his nap, he had a mood swing that looked like it was about to escalate. On a whim, my amazing husband asked, "K-man, why don't you want to go to bed?" K-man simply said, "Because I wanna see my momma." "I know, buddy. Let's pray for her." And we did, and he instantly calmed and went to sleep.
So there's the challenge...always trying to decipher how to respond to these mood swings. Please pray for us - that we will point to the gospel, that we ourselves will cling to the Truth of the gospel, that He will give us patience and gentleness and abundant grace, while also showing us how to discipline. We have some new strategies to try today. We would welcome any feedback from you other foster moms out there.
Last matter of prayer is the boys' upcoming court date this Thursday, February 23rd. The boys do not have to attend, but they could still likely go home, in which case we would pack their things and take them to an office to meet their mom and go home. I don't even know how to ask you to pray. Our emotions are so all over the place now, that we don't even know what we want or need. Just pray that the Lord's hand would be on this whole process, that His Holy Spirit would give us peace, and that we will rest in His sovereignty no matter what may come.
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