Another Goodbye

Our boys are gone, and we've had a couple of weeks now to heal, but I would be lying if I said we didn't still miss them terribly. Here's how the day went when they finally went home to be with their momma.

You'll remember that the last time the boys had court, we were told that the only reason they didn't go home was because their momma needed beds. 3 weeks later, the story was the same (technically not mom's fault...DFACS was supposed to get this done). We kept asking our case manager, the lawyer, the CASA (everyone we could think to ask) whether the boys would go home this time or not, but no one could give us a definitive answer. We assumed they would go home, but logistically, there was no reason they should go without beds.

So we did what we could do. Wednesday night I gathered what I could gather without it triggering K-man to be suspicious and ask a bunch of questions. The rest, I wrote down on a LONG list to be gathered the next day, if needed. Thursday morning, I taught my class, as usual, and K-man had the opportunity to say goodbye to all of his dear teachers and friends just in case. Then, we drove home. I got lunch on the table, and then I got a phone call. It was my amazing agency case worker. Unfortunately, her words were, "The boys are going home. Somebody will be there in 45 minutes to an hour to pick them up."

Thankfully, I think the urgency of it all protected me from getting too emotional in that moment. I looked at K-man and explained to him with an excited tone that today was the day he was going to live with his momma and brothers again. I reiterated, as we had been discussing for several weeks, that once this happened, he wouldn't be coming back to this house again...he would live with his momma forever now (we hope!). His reaction was interesting to watch. First, he said, with a bit of a grin on his face, "but I'm going to be said..." I told him that I would be sad too and missing him, but that this was a good thing, and we started to talk about all of the good things about going home. Then, he said, "I don't want to eat." ...so we left the lunch table, and I started to gather things from all over the house to send home with these two.

K-man watched and helped a bit, and seemed generally excited. I was able to give him 2 recordable books from Halmark that my sweet mom, Bebe, and my brother had recorded to send home with him. He ADORED those (such a great idea), so he spent much of the next hour turning the pages with excited anticipation while I got down to business. My husband came home and had a few minutes of fun before it was time for the big "goodbye." At one point, K-man found his Easter candy and asked if he could have some. For a split second, I thought about the prospect of Easter candy with no lunch, but then reality hit, and I said..."Why not!" We filled the transporter's car with so many clothes and toys...I can't even tell you how much stuff we sent home with them! Finally, we loaded up the boys. K-man, again, said, "...but I'm going to be sad..." I held him as tight as I could and told him I loved him over and over and over again. We put him in the car (no tears) with his 2 new books and his Mickey Mouse, and then we all prayed - my husband, the transporter, K-man, and I, with B-boy listening in from his car seat. It was a sacred moment with no tears. Then, we shut the door, waved as the car drove away...

...and then the floodgates opened while my husband and I held each other and cried.

Since then, emotions have come in waves. For a good week and a half, I couldn't so much as turn a corner without thinking of those boys and grieving all over again (rarely sobbing...most often a strange mix of joy and sadness). I think the full weight of it hit my husband instantly when they drove away. It took me about a week before it all hit me. Even so, it's hard to explain, but the immense joy we experience is far greater than all of the sadness. I find myself anxious to fill our home again! The longer it is empty...the longer we have to wait...the harder it is! If you fear that you would never be able to foster because of the emotional goodbye, please hear me say that the Lord would sustain you! I was certainly no less attached to these boys than anyone would be. I didn't guard my heart. I loved them with abandon! People often ask if each child takes a part of our hearts with them. Certainly, each and every one of them has left somewhat of a hole, but the Lord has filled those holes to overflowing with joy, memories, gratitude, and a deeper understanding of Christ's love for us.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you."

Psalm 55:22