On Tuesday, however, our world was rocked again. Ever since our last court date, people have made mention of a cousin who would like to have a home study in order to obtain guardianship for the boys. Mind you, we started hearing these things at the beginning of January. 3 months later, we weren't putting a whole lot of stock in it. We had a Family Team Meeting on Tuesday of this week. If you're unclear what a Family Team Meeting is, you can get the details at my previous post, Family Team Meeting. My husband and I were there as well as the older 2 boys' foster mother and foster sister, their therapists, their behavior aids, and their agency case managers. On the other side of the room sat our boys' grandmother and the aforementioned cousin. We knew she would be there, but I guess I hadn't really considered that it would be of any real significance.
They began with the older 2 boys - listing their needs (weaknesses) and what services they were receiving. The list was long. Their oldest brother is struggling in many areas. You know we love him. You know we think highly of his potential. The fact remains that he's in a tough spot right now and is struggling to hold it together. This was the beginning of the emotional roller-coaster for a few reasons.
First, we saw very clearly that his current foster mother, although she is doing a good job of providing for these boys' needs, is not treating them as her own children. I do not fault her for this, but it was sad to realize. Over and over again, people mentioned how much the oldest brother hates being in foster care and how much better he will behave once he returns home. It was quite clear that he feels this way because he doesn't have a real family right now.
Second, we were discouraged by everyone's approach to these behaviors. There was a lot of talk about consequences and reinforcement, but no conversation about this child's deeper motivations and the wrestling of his heart. I can guarantee you he is not going to change as a result of simply losing and/or getting privileges. I could write a whole post on this one point, but I'll spare you. The boy needs someone willing to parent him, love him, help him identify the idols of his heart, and give him the gospel.
Third, their identified solution to this child's problems was to place him with family. Virtually everyone in the room was nodding their heads in agreement that these boys need to return to family, because of how much the older 2 boys miss being with family and hate being in foster care.
When it came to be our turn to identify our boys' weaknesses, I was holding back tears. I told them some of the history of where we had come from and told them I was grateful to report that we really had no needs to identify at this time for either of them. I tried my very hardest to communicate how different their experience has been from the experience of the older two. You can imagine how awkward it was with everyone in the room to try to say, in more words or less, that my boys would be devastated if they had to move anywhere other than our home.
The result at the end of the meeting was a chart filled with needs for the older 2 boys - the solution having been identified as transitioning to biological family. At the bottom of the chart were the names of our 2 boys with the words "no needs identified at this time." All of a sudden, I felt like everything was spinning out of control with no way to put the pieces back together. The talk shifted to "when" the boys transition to their cousin's home, "when" the home eval is in place...I literally had to turn my head away a few times to hide my tears. Was this really happening?? Was there nothing I could say to change their minds??
My case manager was reassuring me that this is all very premature and that we really have no idea what might happen, but I couldn't fight the feeling that this was preparation for a hard few months ahead. At the end of the meeting, I tried to paint a very clear picture that my boys' needs will increase exponentially if they move. Their answer was to set a goal to ensure that "services" are in place after this potential transition in order to meet the needs of the younger 2 brothers.
So now what? We wait for home studies to come back...and we pray for truth and justice to be upheld...and we fight those thoughts that creep into our heads when we least expect them that attempt to rob us of our faith and our joy. Mostly, we meditate on the past faithfulness of an infinitely faithful, sovereign, loving, and almighty God, and we rest in Him.
First, we saw very clearly that his current foster mother, although she is doing a good job of providing for these boys' needs, is not treating them as her own children. I do not fault her for this, but it was sad to realize. Over and over again, people mentioned how much the oldest brother hates being in foster care and how much better he will behave once he returns home. It was quite clear that he feels this way because he doesn't have a real family right now.
Second, we were discouraged by everyone's approach to these behaviors. There was a lot of talk about consequences and reinforcement, but no conversation about this child's deeper motivations and the wrestling of his heart. I can guarantee you he is not going to change as a result of simply losing and/or getting privileges. I could write a whole post on this one point, but I'll spare you. The boy needs someone willing to parent him, love him, help him identify the idols of his heart, and give him the gospel.
Third, their identified solution to this child's problems was to place him with family. Virtually everyone in the room was nodding their heads in agreement that these boys need to return to family, because of how much the older 2 boys miss being with family and hate being in foster care.
When it came to be our turn to identify our boys' weaknesses, I was holding back tears. I told them some of the history of where we had come from and told them I was grateful to report that we really had no needs to identify at this time for either of them. I tried my very hardest to communicate how different their experience has been from the experience of the older two. You can imagine how awkward it was with everyone in the room to try to say, in more words or less, that my boys would be devastated if they had to move anywhere other than our home.
The result at the end of the meeting was a chart filled with needs for the older 2 boys - the solution having been identified as transitioning to biological family. At the bottom of the chart were the names of our 2 boys with the words "no needs identified at this time." All of a sudden, I felt like everything was spinning out of control with no way to put the pieces back together. The talk shifted to "when" the boys transition to their cousin's home, "when" the home eval is in place...I literally had to turn my head away a few times to hide my tears. Was this really happening?? Was there nothing I could say to change their minds??
My case manager was reassuring me that this is all very premature and that we really have no idea what might happen, but I couldn't fight the feeling that this was preparation for a hard few months ahead. At the end of the meeting, I tried to paint a very clear picture that my boys' needs will increase exponentially if they move. Their answer was to set a goal to ensure that "services" are in place after this potential transition in order to meet the needs of the younger 2 brothers.
So now what? We wait for home studies to come back...and we pray for truth and justice to be upheld...and we fight those thoughts that creep into our heads when we least expect them that attempt to rob us of our faith and our joy. Mostly, we meditate on the past faithfulness of an infinitely faithful, sovereign, loving, and almighty God, and we rest in Him.
"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion
raised against the knowledge of God,
and take every thought captive to obey Christ."
2 Cor. 10:5
No comments:
Post a Comment