Fruit

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” 

declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

Isaiah 55:8-9

How many times will the Lord have to demonstrate this in my life before I trust these words when life doesn't go my way? Since my last, somewhat dejected, post after hearing the news that the boys would, indeed, be staying with us for another month, life made a quick turn for the better. I can't even explain it apart from the Lord's perfect wisdom and timing, but since that very day, K-man's behavior has remarkably improved, but more importantly, we've seen some major fruit being produced in his heart...fruit we would not have seen had the boys gone home when they did. I want to quickly share a few things we would have missed had the boys gone home last month, as anticipated.

K-man used to absolutely panic and fly off the handle when his anger was triggered. He has now begun to come to us and say, "I'm really mad." I cannot even begin to explain the impact that this has had in our household. For a solid 2 weeks now, we've had no hitting, biting, throwing things, etc. Even more importantly, I have every hope that this will translate into a strong life skill for this boy. I pray that this skill will help him to avoid altercations at home, ultimately protecting himself and solidifying his understanding that violence is not the best way to solve a problem.

B-boy is finally crawling! Busy? You bet! Somewhat of a nuisance at times? Absolutely! But the truth is, I thank God that we've been able to see this piece of his development...so much fun watching him develop into a bright, healthy, extremely happy baby boy!

The week after court, we achieved K-man's goal of reading through the entire Big Picture Bible. We were finally able to share the complete gospel story with him. We didn't make an overly big deal about the story of Jesus's death and resurrection - no bigger than any other night of family worship, but since reading it, we have marveled at how it has impacted K-man's heart. Several days after reading it, K-man noticed the cross on the top of a steeple. "Is that a railroad crossing?" he asked. "No," I said, "if you turned it on it's side it would be, but when it's straight up and down like that, it's called a cross...like the cross that Jesus died on." All day, he talked about God dying on the cross, and I had a million opportunities to share many facets of the gospel story. Then, all was silent in the car at one point (a rare occurrence with these boys) and K-man said very seriously, "Mrs. E...I'm sad." You should know that up to this point, I had never heard him talk about being sad...only mad. "Why are you sad?" I asked. "Because God died on the cross..." he said. Every night for about a week now, K-man has requested the story of Jesus's death and resurrection to be read at bed time. He studies each page intently, and talks about it often. What treasured conversations we have had!! What amazing repair I have seen in our relationship!

On one hand, it would have been easier to let these boys go when days were long and hard and I was ready to say, "Good Riddance!" but ultimately I think I would have struggled with guilt for a long time, and I fear that K-man would have struggled with thoughts that his behavior had caused him to be rejected. God is so good, regardless of what happens in my life, but I am thankful to have seen such fruit recently that testifies to this Truth.

Thirty more days

That's the verdict. Thirty more days, and then we'll have a court review all over again. I wish I could say I'm glad, but mostly I'm overwhelmed and disappointed. Please pray for stamina and for peace in our home.

New Mercies

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

Let me begin by saying that yesterday was miserable. I hate to be so negative here lately, but this is just real life for us these days. I must say that we had some WONDERFUL time in January that may not have gotten ALL of the blog attention that it deserved, so please don't think this has been all bad. It's been mostly amazing, but these days seem to be 90% bad...haha.

Days have been really trying for a couple of weeks now, but they seem to only be escalating recently. Yesterday, we started the day with no toys...every last one had been taken away the day before. First thing in the morning, K-man created a battle over a bowl of cereal that turned into hitting me, hitting my husband, biting my husband, throwing a glass coaster, screaming, etc. We had to put him in his room to calm down, where he almost beat down the door. Good morning!

I was at the end of my rope. My patience was just about gone, so I called and was able to take K-man to our foster agency for the morning. I poured my heart out to my (practically) extended family over there, and then I had a couple of hours to run errands and decompress. Then we came home, and I told him (by recommendation from the agency) that he would be visiting his momma after nap time. He threw his, now typical, nap-time fit, so I walked away and closed the door -vowing to him that I would not come back in the room until nap time was over. Then, I got to listen to shoes being thrown at the bedroom door for 2 hours. At 2:30, before a slated 3pm pick-up for visitation, I got a phone call that said visitation would not occur. My emotions went crazy...angry at k-man's disrespect, sobbing over the fact that they would not be visiting with mom and I would have to break the news, angry at their mom, honestly ready to throw up my hands and quit, secretly hoping that they would go home Thursday although I knew it was not best for the boys. When nap time was over, to add insult to injury, K-man was pretty much laughing in my face for the rest of the afternoon. A dear friend came over to help me survive...haha! And as soon as bed time hit, my mother-in-law came so that my husband and I could get out of the house.

We went to dinner, prayed, and talked, and my heart began to soften. Here was my struggle...up until this point, I found it rather easy to forgive K-man's bad behaviors and move on, because I was consistently hearing a very sincere "I'm sorry," after disciplining him. Even if it happened again, I knew his heart was being molded. These days, I rarely get "I'm sorry." most often, I get disrespectful laughter in my face. My strong-willed self was (is) having a hard time not just continually punishing K-man all day for his actions that morning...or even the night before! I was holding an angry grudge, and i could not let it go! The Lord called to mind the aforementioned scripture, and all of a sudden it had an even deeper meaning. All of a sudden, I was brought to my knees in gratitude for the overwhelming love of my heavenly Father, and I thought to myself, how can I best picture the gospel for K-man right now?

So...fast forward to this morning...I helped him get ready with the loving, joyful spirit I remembered showing him before this madness, and he disrespected me like crazy...talked about hitting me and laughed like crazy. We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and he grumbled and complained about having to wait - trying to pick fights all along. My husband stayed home from work, and we went to a place with inflatables, trampolines, and a rope swing. We gave so much grace today, I don't even have words to express it. We went to McDonald's for lunch (HUGE treat in our house)! For many reasons, we tried our very hardest to make today a good day. Was it perfect? Hardly. Was it helpful? Hard to say, but what I do know is that if K-man goes home after court tomorrow, he will know one thing for certain - in our home he was loved in a radical way. He was loved dearly despite every effort he made to pull away.

I clung to this scripture today, because I needed to know that His mercy for me was brand new today, and I needed to know that my mercies needed to be TRULY renewed toward this boy as a reflection of Christ's love for him.

Please pray for all involved tomorrow. I will be a basket case at the end of the day - regardless of the outcome. I know that the boys do not need to go live with their mom right now, so if they do, I will cry like a baby. I also do not have any desire to endure much longer in this state of existence, so if they stay, I will cry like a baby as I look out over a seemingly impossible task. However, His promises remain the same, and we will remain faithful to the task At hand until He removes it from our hands, and we will try to consider it pure joy as we face trials of many kinds. I will update when I am able. Pray that His hand is on the decision made as well as the process and timing of it all. Thanks to all of you.

Testing, testing, testing

That is the name of the game at our house these days. For the past couple of weeks (ever since K-man and B-boy resumed visits with mom, coincidentally), we have been struggling with stubborn, defiant, and sometimes violent behavior from K-man. It's been challenging, to say the least, and I felt the need to write about it.

We're learning that, although the wonderfully compliant behavior was amazing in the beginning, it was most likely born out of fear and anxiety, and potentially not a healthy thing in the long run. What we have now is a child who is learning that he is loved and who is testing my husband and I to see if we really will be patient with him and continue to love him, despite his poor behavior. Now, he's not able to articulate this, and he probably isn't even aware he's doing it, but our challenge is to continue to be firm and draw hard boundaries while still communicating love and patience. I've not had my own, biological kids, but I imagine that this is a good bit more difficult with foster kids than with biological kids. I do not have a true mother-son bond with K-man, so to be quite honest, there are times when I find it very difficult to love him - sometimes difficult to like him at all. While I know biological moms probably have similar feelings from time to time, you most likely still have a mother-son bond that pulls you to your child (shared experiences, memories of birth and infancy, etc.) We don't have that, and it makes it hard to press on sometimes.

The biggest challenge we're facing is choosing our battles. With our biological kids, we will not tolerate much of the attitude and argumentative disrespect that we must tolerate with K-man at this point. With K-man, we're having to start at square one, "You may not ever hit or bite anyone." We try to tackle the others as we can, but honestly, when he gets angry and storms off, we consider that a huge victory right now...no hitting = success!

We had recently come to a point where we were able to work on other issues such as immediate obedience and attitudes, but we've since taken two steps back now that visits have resumed and the hitting has returned. Recently, along with the increased acting out, we've noticed some really unusual comments and conversations that indicate a lot of real wrestling in K-man's heart. Just this afternoon, when we were putting him down for his nap, he had a mood swing that looked like it was about to escalate. On a whim, my amazing husband asked, "K-man, why don't you want to go to bed?" K-man simply said, "Because I wanna see my momma." "I know, buddy. Let's pray for her." And we did, and he instantly calmed and went to sleep.

So there's the challenge...always trying to decipher how to respond to these mood swings. Please pray for us - that we will point to the gospel, that we ourselves will cling to the Truth of the gospel, that He will give us patience and gentleness and abundant grace, while also showing us how to discipline. We have some new strategies to try today. We would welcome any feedback from you other foster moms out there.

Last matter of prayer is the boys' upcoming court date this Thursday, February 23rd. The boys do not have to attend, but they could still likely go home, in which case we would pack their things and take them to an office to meet their mom and go home. I don't even know how to ask you to pray. Our emotions are so all over the place now, that we don't even know what we want or need. Just pray that the Lord's hand would be on this whole process, that His Holy Spirit would give us peace, and that we will rest in His sovereignty no matter what may come.

Happy birthday, Miss M!!

Ok...so this one really makes my brain hurt! The 2-month-old baby who I was awake with 3 times every night...swaddling, barely moving, learning to smile...is one year old today! I am fervently praying for that girl today and always -that she is as loved as ever, that the Lord is protecting both her and her momma, that she is healthy, and that the Lord's hand will be on her every day of her life - bringing her to a saving faith in Jesus Christ.

Miss M, I love you, girl! Looking at photos and videos of you today and thanking Him for creating you and blessing us with you for one sweet month of your life!

Still here!

Yesterday was a big day! I woke the boys up at 7am in order to get them to our case worker in time for them to make it to court. B-boy woke up with a fever and feeling worse than ever, so we all made the executive decision not to send him to the courthouse (not really certain how much trouble we would get in, but it all turned out ok).

The night before, my husband and I, under the advice of a dear friend who is a play therapist, decided that we really needed to talk K-man through what was happening the next day. Here is what we decided to tell him when he asked, "What am I going to do when I wake up?"

"Well, K-man, you're going to go to court tomorrow. Have you ever been to court before? You're going to see your momma and your brothers and (insert long list of names here). K-man, do you know why you're staying here with us? Your momma has a few things she needs to do before you can go and live with her again. Until she finishes those things, you're going to stay here with us, and boy have we been having a good time, right?! She's been working really hard on those things, because she loves you and misses you so much. Tomorrow, the judge is going to talk to your momma and see if she's finished doing the things she needs to do. If she has, then you won't need to stay here with us anymore, but if there's still a little more she needs to do, then you'll come back and stay with us for a little while longer. No matter what happens, remember that God is with you wherever you go."

At different times that night, we tried to emphasize how much we had enjoyed having them both here, we talked about fun memories we had made together. We didn't make a big deal out of it or anything, but we tried to leave the option open, in case they went home and we never saw them again.

The next morning I dropped K-man off for court and brought B-boy back home with me. That was 8am. I didn't hear a word from anyone until 12:30pm. They had been on trial for an hour or so before the mandatory recess they always call around lunch time. They would re-convene at 2pm. The word from our case worker at that time was that they would probably go home that day. I was rattled...not knowing what to think. I went to take a shower to try to get my mind off of everything. Part of me wanted to cry as I reflected on these sweet boys whom I might never see again - especially a 3-year-old who would be able to remember and think of us. The other part of me, selfishly, started to think about all of the free time I would have and all of the things I might finally get done. My stomach was in knots for many reasons.

Finally, around 4pm, I heard from the case worker. They were on their way to my house for at least another 30 days until the judge would review the case again for progress. An answer to prayer, for sure...she just kept repeating how shocked she was that the judge kept them in care. She was certain there hadn't been enough evidence. K-man was clearly exhausted after no nap and clearly confused about what had happened. Still, we were glad that we had briefed him on what would happen. At bed time that night, we said our prayers, turned off the lights, and heard him crying over the monitor. Poor little guy is trying so hard to make sense of it, but he just can't in his little 3-year-old mind. Today has been more normal, but I think he's still got a lot going on in his head and in his heart.

Thank you so, so, so much for your prayers. Please continue to pray that we will take full advantage of these next 30 days that have been given to us. It's so easy to grow weary and wish the time away. Pray that we would have joy and that we would not squander what little time we have.

And another prayer request - I finally took B-boy to the doctor yesterday, and he was diagnosed with RSV. This is a nasty respiratory virus that could have him feeling bad and contagious to other children for 3 weeks or more. PLEASE pray that he continues to be his usual, happy self throughout the duration. Also, please pray that this would be short-lived. You mommas know how quickly the walls can start to cave in on you when you're trapped in your house all day every day - having to forego all of the normal outings that bless you with adult company and conversation.

More updates to come soon, I'm sure!

Court Monday

Days have been really good over here lately. Life is really settling in. K-man continues to surprise us with his sense of security in going to child care several times a week. We also continue to stand amazed at his hunger in learning about God. He has been diligently praying for a few people in our church - one who has a hurt foot and one who had a cast on her hand. The other day, the lady with the cast on her hand no longer had the cast. I told K-man that God had healed her hand and she didn't need the cast any longer. He looked at me with WIDE eyes..."God healed her hand?!?! How he did that?!" Still, he runs to her in order to look at her hand and stand amazed, trying to take in the mystery of how God healed her.

B-boy has been doing great...until yesterday when he came down with a pretty bad cold and our first fever! Can you believe we've been doing this for about 10 months now, and this is our first child with a fever?? I guess we should count our blessings, but you Mommas know how hard it is to be house-bound with a sick child. Please pray that this doesn't turn into bronchiolitis, which he had when he came to us. If it did, it could last 3-6 weeks, and I just don't even know what I would do. (but God does...I need to remind myself of that.) The good news is that this has given me some additional help in attachment with B-boy. It's still not quite there, but nurturing him while he's been sick has helped a bit.

And now to our primary need for prayer...the boys have their first adjudication hearing on Monday morning at 9am. Basically, this is a court hearing which will determine whether the boys will stay with us a little while longer or be returned home.  This is a huge day for all of us. Please pray that the Lord would grant each of us peace and that he would grant wisdom to the judge. Specifically, we are praying that the boys will stay with us for now and that we will continue to see spiritual fruit in K-man's life. We, of course, pray also that the Lord would be mightily at work in their mother's life. We are just praying for more time. If that is not in the Lord's will, Monday will be a very difficult day. My husband and I are not going to be able to go to court with them as we typically do, due to work conflicts. If the boys go home, we will have no opportunity to hug and kiss them goodbye, explain to K-man what is happening, nor try to send them off with any kind of lasting blessing like a letter, Bible, written prayer, photographs, etc...(important for us, but mostly for them). Pray that the Lord will minister to their hearts regardless of how the situation goes, and pray that we are able to rest in His sovereignty.

I will post an update as soon as I am able on Monday. Thank you for walking through this with us!