So much better

A sweet friend sent me an e-mail a couple of nights ago in the midst of my meltdown, which said, "May God give you exactly what you need moment by moment as you love on the beautiful baby girl I was privileged to meet." What a sweet prayer and how amazing it has been to see it answered time and time again. Last night, Zizi slept 13.5 hours. This morning she's been sleeping for 13 and counting. Yesterday afternoon, her transporter (doesn't that sound like some sort of UFO or something??) picked her up and took her to a Family Team Meeting, so I had about 4 hours in the afternoon to go shopping for a few things I really did need after all and get things organized at home.


This was good for a couple of reasons:


1. I needed some time to think and get my head wrapped around all of this.
2. I missed Zizi!! Missing her for those few hours was such a neat way for the Lord to reenergize me for her return.


Since then, we've had a great time. We visited the church last night, where Zizi made tons of new friends. Then we went home and went right to sleep. This morning, I was hoping to take her to special children's music program at church called "Tiny Tots and Tunes," but I think sleep is a much higher priority. Later today, we're going to have lunch with my office and possibly visit my husband's office. Then, we have the whole evening free to PLAY!


Before I go, let me share one more sweet God moment that happened yesterday. I had planned to attend the Family Team Meeting with Zizi, our agency case worker, Zizi's mom, Zizi's mom's case worker, and tons of other people involved in the case. Unfortunately, the weather was terrible, and my nerves got the best of me, so I stayed home. We did, however, send this note to Zizi's mom:


Dear Ms. ___________________,
     We really with that we could be at the meeting today to meet the woman who has raised such a sweet, beautiful little girl! Unfortunately, the weather has prevented us from being there, but if we were in your shoes, we would want to know a little bit about the people taking care of our child.
     We want you to know that we are praying for you through this whole process. We don't know a lot about the situation, and we don't care to know. We are here to support you by taking care of [Zizi] and loving her to the best of our ability.
     We are simply here to be servants during a difficult time. Know that we love you and your daughter and are praying for you both often.
Much love,
[Zizi's] foster parents


I didn't know if the note would even get to her amidst the hussle and bussle of the meeting, but later that night, when I was flipping through Zizi's diaper bag, I found this note:


Dear Mr. and Mrs. _______________,
     I, [mother's name], am thankful for you and please keep us in your prayers.
Thank you,
    [mother's name]


We are really praying that the Lord will use us to minister, not only to this sweet girl, but to her mom as well. Please join us in praying about that.
     

Doubts

I'm laughing as I read my last post. Right after I posted, everything kind of hit the fan. Thank the Lord I have the greatest mother-in-law ever who came and spent several hours with me. For some reason, it always feels better to have a buddy, and I was really missing my husband.

After I posted, I got word that Zizi would have a visit with her mom after all, so I quickly got lunch together and fed her, packed a bag for the lady who was coming to transport her, and got mentally prepared to have a couple of hours to myself. Then, the transporter arrived, we loaded Zizi into her car seat, and they were off! 10 minutes later, they were back at my door. Zizi's mom apparently had to cancel the visit. Unfortunately, Zizi had already fallen asleep in her car seat. I tried so hard to get her upstairs without waking her, but the second we got to the crib, her eyes opened. She cried for about half an hour before she finally fell asleep. Then, 45 minutes later we loaded the car and headed to the pediatrician's office.(We hunted looooooooong and hard for a pediatrician who would take Zizi as a new patient.) She slept all the way there, did great in the office and slept all the way back. When we got hone, she had dinner & a sponge bath. We changed her diaper, gave her a bottle, and put her to bed...

...whew!!!

Now, it's confession time. I would love to say that at the end of the day, this is such a rewarding experience that the exhaustion and stress all feel worth it. I can't say that tonight. Shamefully, tonight my emotions are yelling "This has been great, but about tomorrow...can I go back to normal tomorrow? I'm really missing my time with my husband, with friends, and at the office with my fun coworkers. I'm missing a life that was easy and predictable, and I'm not sure I'm really ready to sacrifice that." Fortunately, from day one, this has not been a decision based on emotion. The Lord knows what He's doing, and as a sweet sister in the Lord told me tonight, He's going to give me everything I need...every step of the way. I should be in bed now, but all I want to do is snuggle on the couch with my husband and my dog and watch TV.

Please rest well tonight, little one. I can't wait to see you in the morning.

Whirlwind!

OK...I am officially a terrible blogger. This may be a long post, but I'll try to keep it simple. Suffice it to say that this has been a beyond crazy weekend.

My parents came in town this weekend, and on Friday night, my mom, my husband, and I went to see David Platt speak at a dinner in town. I won't be able to put into words the impact that his words had on each of us. As he exited the stage, you could have heard a pin drop among all 300 or more people in the room. No one clapped...no one said anything for several minutes. It was a lot to soak in, and it was a real inspiration for my husband and I to re-energize about this decision.

Saturday was a long day. My husband and his dad spent the whole day painting the nursery. I owe them big time. Meanwhile, my parents and I went shopping. Here was the shopping list:

2 sets of twin sheets for the bunk beds donated to us
crib mattress
booster seat with tray
foam pad for bottom of sink at bath time
towels
washcloths
bibs
burp cloths
bottles
baby lotion
baby shampoo
baby powder
first aid kit
rectal thermometer
children's Tylenol
children's Ibuprofen
child toothbrush & toothpaste
baby monitor
humidifier
stuffed animal & cozy blanket from my mom
big Lego's
stackable ring toy
puzzles
board books
changing pad & cover
plastic plates and spoons
cabinet locks

That's all I can remember, but there may have been more. I'm really trying to stick to ONLY the necessities, but it gets difficult to discern what those are. Everyone has their own opinions. I guess we'll learn as we go.

We spent Sunday setting up the nursery - putting together the crib and bunk beds, organizing donated clothes by age, setting up the changing table, etc.

Then...Monday (yesterday) at about noon, we got a phone call. A sweet 9-month-old girl who we affectionately call Zizi (not her real name), would need a home that night. Could we take her? They had a few more details, but I'm not really able to share any of those. I frantically called my husband, who was (of course) unavailable,  but I finally got him on the phone, and we made the decision to jump right in.

Little did we know that it wouldn't be until 10:30pm that we would finally have that sweet baby girl in our arms ready to go home and go to bed. She was understandably exhausted and had a hard time deciding that she wanted to go to sleep. I was laughing at myself trying to troubleshoot this situation. We walked around. We bounced up and down. We laid down and watched the fan. We rocked in the glider. We sucked on our passy. I hate to admit it, but at one point, she was trying so hard to tense up and stand up that I bear hugged her for several minutes, hoping that she would learn to give up the fight and say yes to sleep. That did not work...I do not recommend it, but the funny part was that the second I gave up on that, she pulled up, turned around to face away from me and leaned back on my chest. She instantly closed her eyes and went to sleep. Haha...she knew exactly what she wanted. Her silly caregiver just couldn't figure it out.

After that, my husband and I went to bed. She fussed just a little bit around 1:30am, but she went back to sleep quickly and slept until 7:30am! Now, her foster mom on the other hand could not quiet her nerves until about 3am. I can't tell you how many times I quoted scripture in my head last night trying to quiet my fears and my insecurities. Now, I should be catching up on that sleep, but I couldn't keep all of these details to myself any longer.

This morning, my husband and I had the new challenge of feeding this little one. I picked up some bananas and carrots and a fleece sleeper at Walmart last night on our way home. The agency sent us home with formula and rice cereal. This morning, Zizi ate about 1/4 cup of rice cereal, 1/3 of a banana, and 6 oz. of formula before she fell asleep in my arms. Now, she's been sleeping for about 2 hours, and she's still going strong!

After she went down for this morning nap, I got a call from her CCFA coordinator. That stands for Comprehensive Child and Family Assessment, and these are the people who will work for the next 30 days to assess the situation and come up with the plan by which Zizi's parents can earn their right to have her back. Being so new to all of this, I pretty much believe anything I'm told, which makes me quite a pushover. Our agency asked that we always direct DFACS workers to call the agency instead of coordinating with us. Of course, the second this lady called and said that she wasn't directly with DFACS and didn't need to speak with the agency, I believed her and may have already gotten myself in a bind. They want to arrange 4 visitation periods a week!!! Yikes! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday! When I got off the phone, I called our agency, and lo and behold, they would have rather I ask them to call the agency to coordinate. Oops! For all I know, the CCFA lady may show up in a few minutes and want to take Zizi to visitation. I have been told to pretend that I am not home...haha...what a mess! Why can't I just have a backbone every now and then?

Rather than pretend, I think I may take this girl on the road. There are many people who would love to meet her and love on her, so here we go! I hear her crying now after that solid 2-hour nap. You go girl! Now, let's go have some fun!

Home Improvements

Sorry for the delay in blog posts recently. We just returned form a trip to visit my husband's sister and brother-in-law in Seattle. Plus, after the whole dog fiasco, I haven't quite known what to write. The jury is still out on the dog situation. Keep praying, please.

On a lighter note, however, I wanted to update everyone on the state of affairs upstairs while getting ready to get our nursery together. In order to convert the current guest room into a nursery, we needed to convert our current junk room into a guest room. My husband's sister had the genius idea of painting both rooms the same color. That way, in the future, these rooms can be interchangeable as needed...nursery to a guest room...guest room to a child's room...guest room to a nursery...etc. Here is a before shot of what is now the guest room:

Obviously, we had some things to get rid of. Most of it went to the attic. The drums, we sold on Craigslist. Then, it was time to pick a paint color. We bought 2 samples from Sherwin Williams and were less that impressed with either of them. For the sake of being cheap, we decided to start combining paint and creating our own color. These were the many different shades we went through. Keep in mind that none of these colors look quite right in these photos.

Finally, we decided to go with the color in the middle of this picture, so we painted a stir stick, went down to Sherwin Williams, and had them match the color.

There were actually several days between the previous step and the next, but the need-to-know information is that we painted all of the trim with 2 coats of primer and a coat of trim paint, painted the ceiling, installed a ceiling fan, and painted our color creation that we named "Serene Green" on the walls.

We absolutely love it and can't wait to get started on the nursery next!

Counting the Cost

"When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” - Luke 18:22

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple." -Luke 14:26

The Cost of Following Jesus - Matthew 8:18-22
 ¹⁸ When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. ¹⁹ Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.”
 ²⁰ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
 ²¹ Another disciple said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
 ²² But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

_________________________________________

 

Last night was one of the worst nights I can remember, and this morning is not much better. If you're not a dog lover, this may not make much sense, but if you are...you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. About a year and a half ago, after years of waiting, we bought our first dog, Peanut. We searched long and hard but instantly fell in love with her. We wanted her to be a therapy dog, so we immediately enrolled her in obedience school, worked with her daily, and trained her to be a very obedient dog. I adore this dog.

Then, last night, we got horrible news that Peanut had bitten a neighborhood kid in my parents' neighborhood. She is staying with my parents right now, because we're going out of town later this week. We don't know the whole story. There is a lot of speculation, but the fact of the matter is that she bit a child, and the child had to go to the emergency room for stitches. My parents seem to be more concerned than the child's parents, so that has been a blessing. The other kids who were there seemed to think that Peanut was just playing. However, the ramifications of this episode are difficult...to say the least.

Before we ever dove into this foster care adventure, we studied the book, "Radical." If you haven't read it, you should...or maybe you shouldn't if you don't want your life to be flipped upside down. The premise of the book is that as Christians, we have watered down Christianity, settling for a life of comfort when, in reality, we need to be willing to sacrifice everything we have in order to follow Christ. He may not ask us to sell our homes, give away all of our money, or move away from our families, but...he may, and we need to be prepared and willing to do so.

Reading that book, my husband and I felt challenged, but after diving into Scripture, we realized the Truth of that message, and since then we've been dealing with it in our own lives. Are we willing to sacrifice everything to follow Him? Have we placed any idols before the Lord Jesus Christ? Are we willing to pray difficult prayers, surrendering every facet of our lives to Him.

The answer is a resounding yes...take my car, Lord, if you need it...take our home...take all of our money! But wait...I never imagined that I might come up against this scenario...potentially having to give away my dog? I'm tearing up just typing those words. I guess I'm realizing that that was one thing we had certainly not surrendered. That was something we were holding onto tightly - off limits for God.

We don't know how this scenario is going to play out. We're still reeling from the news, and the next few weeks of decision-making will be a roller-coaster, I'm sure. After about 24 hours of tears and anger, the answer is yes...we will certainly surrender Peanut if she holds us back from following the Lord's leading to be foster parents. The question now is...do we really have to? Every minute I have a different answer.

Pray for us as we face more and more spiritual warfare. I'm pretty sure there's no other word for all of this. Satan is hitting us right where we hurt the most...over and over again. But, as the words of the song that just came on Pandora state, "Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other, Our God is Healer, awesome in power, Our God, Our God...And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us...And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?"

How quickly things change!

After a night filled with discussions, phone calls, and prayers both excited about the possibilities and terrified about the worst-case-scenarios, my husband and I decided we had no good reason not to move forward with this placement. I took note this morning as I was preparing to make the phone call to the agency that on our list of pros and cons, all of our cons were really rooted in fear.

We were afraid of our inadequacy, but let's face it...we're going to be inadequate no matter what child comes our way, just leaning on the Lord every second of every day.

I was afraid of what people might say after leaving my job only to stay at home while this sweet boy was in pre-K all day.

We were afraid of our lack of preparation. We have a crib, changing table, and car seat. We don't have anything for a five-year-old (except some great books in my children's book collection).

I was afraid of what an entire summer would look like with no pre-K.

I have been chuckling for a while now about a wall quote I saw recently and considered putting in our future kids' room. It said:

Boy: n. a noise with dirt on it.

So true...what on earth would I do with a five-year-old boy every day...all day? It had to be a boy...

Anyway, all kidding aside, these were thoughts that we discussed all night, but in the end our overwhelming thought was...why not?

We went to bed praying for this sweet boy, for his precious mom, for his current foster family, and for God's protection over us as we muddled through this decision-making process. We prayed diligently that God would place obstacles in our path if we started to go down a path that He did not intend.

Then, this morning, I made the call and started to get excited. Without even realizing it, I started to settle into the idea that this boy was going to come live with us, and I could hardly wait. I started to work up in my mind how great it was going to be to possibly work part time and phase out of my job a bit more slowly. I pondered how nice it would be to have the daytime to try to dive into the group fitness world. I started to pay closer attention as parents brought their small children by my office. It was really exciting to think about.

However, the end of the day brought another surprise. Our agency called to say that it was looking more and more like this little boy would be moving in with his grandparents instead of with another foster family. How quickly the gears change! If nothing else, I learned today how very much I have to guard my heart and take captive my thoughts during this process. I have really got to make sure that I don't get so swept up in my own ideas and dreams that I end up disillusioned or disappointed when things change. Fortunately, this was not a difficult gear to shift, but I mark it up as a lesson learned.

Could this be one of those obstacles that we prayed for God to use? Who knows! The doors are still not closed on this one, but we will wait and pray for His plan to unfold in His time.

Prayers needed...

We got an unexpected phone call today from the foster care agency. The message I received said, "Hi Mrs. __________. I was calling to present a placement to you. Please give me a call when you get this."

My husband and I and I laughed again, because this is not the first time they have mentioned a placement before our previously set date. However, to be polite, I returned the call this evening and was surprised to hear the details of the placement.

The child they have in mind is a five-year-old caucasian boy who has been in foster care since August. He is apparantly very intelligent, loves to read, and is a "delight" to his current foster parents. They, however, have a family member who needs to move in with them, so they are searching for a new home for this child. He's in pre-K during the day, and they won't need a permanent placement until the end of February/beginning of March. They anticipate that the placement will be short and that he will likely return home before August.

As you can imagine, my husband and I have a million thoughts to filter through. We're supposed to give an answer tomorrow morning. Please pray for clarity in this decision-making process. I love God's sense of humor...taking us right outside of our comfort zone so that we have no choice but to turn to Him. No clear-cut scenarios...oh no...that would be too easy :)