Goodbye

It was another crazy day in our little world, culminating with Zizi riding off in a different car than ours...on her way to Chicago with her dad. I'm not going to go into any details of the case, but I'll shed a little light on the experience.

Satan tried so hard to ruin this day. Zizi woke up happy and had a great breakfast, good play time, and went down for a somewhat early nap. Meanwhile, I tried repeatedly to get in touch with the transporter who I thought was going to pick her up and take her to her visitation at noon. At 11:00, I finally got a call back informing me that through an unfortunate miscommunication, the transporter was not coming and I was now responsible for getting Zizi to her visitation. I frantically packed her things and headed out to the court house. I was in tears on the way as I thought of all of the things I wanted to do during those 2 hours to prepare for the court hearing.

I had planned to shower and dress nicely for court, print a photo and scripture passage to frame and send home with Zizi, write a letter to send home with Zizi's parents, and make one last pass through the house to gather all of Zizi's things. As I drove to the courthouse in my pigtails and sweatpants, with no letter in my hands, and with no grace in my heart, I just broke down. Somehow, I had romanticized how this process was going to go. I had in my head these golden opportunities that were going to present themselves when my husband and I were going to be calm and collected, and we would have just the right words to say to these parents to extend God's grace in the midst of a difficult situation. Instead, I had spent 2 days in the middle of a broken system that seemed nearly hopeless, completely surrounded by people who were extremely difficult to love and lawyers and social workers who were jaded and depressed. It was probably one of the most depressing environments I had ever been in. I looked around at one point and thought...what a tremendous difference it would make if the church of America brought the light of Christ into this dismally dark place. What a difference it would make to have even 1 or 2 more faces among this crowd that were marked by grace and peace.

But...I digress...I made the long drive to the courthouse, praying, but struggling to get my heart in the right place. I was at the point where I just wanted to drop her off, go home, and never step foot in that courtroom again. As I got off the interstate and drove up to the courthouse, the song I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin came on the radio. I had such a powerful moment of worship as I belted out these lyrics and believed them deep in my heart. I bolded the words that really spoke to me this morning:

There's a peace I've come to know 
ThThere's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail 
There's an anchor for my soul 
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome 
And the grave is overwhelmed 
The victory is won 
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name.

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near 
When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome 
And the grave is overwhelmed 
The victory is won 
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, 
"Worthy is the Lamb" 
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

As I walked into the courthouse, I walked with confidence. He is worth this. It is worth going into dark places whether or not I see any evidence that I am making a difference. If nothing else, being in that place gave me an even richer understanding of the depth of love God has for humankind, a longing and expectancy for heaven, and the urgency we should feel to speak redemption into the hundreds of broken lives represented in that place. I'm not even sure I'm capturing this well in words, but it was a really spiritual experience for me.

I took Zizi inside, but then I drove all the way back home to get ready and scarf down lunch. My husband and I rode back together, and on the way, we wrote a letter to Zizi's parents. When I have a chance, I'll transcribe it here so that you can see what we tried to communicate. We really struggled with the words to say, but we felt good about the final outcome.

Shortly after we arrived, Zizi ended up asleep in my arms and slept on my chest for almost an hour throughout all of the court proceedings. That was a really sweet time for me. Once court was over, we were ushered into a private room with a couple of case workers and with Zizi's parents to train them on how to change the dressings on Zizi's burn. What a sweet gift from the Lord! We were able to encourage them, teach them, shake their hands, hand them our letter in person, and pass Zizi off to her father. Then, we all went outside. My husband and I went to gather Zizi's loot from our car - homemade gifts from my mom and my mother-in-law, a teddy bear and blanket my mom bought for Zizi before we even knew who she was, and clothes we had picked out for her in the beginning. We brought it all to the family, and started to walk off when Zizi's uncle came and asked, "Do you guys want to say goodbye?" Of course we did, so we gave her hugs and kisses, made her giggle a couple more times, and then handed her back.

The Lord was so faithful to us today, and we both left with a positive feeling about His provision in her life. More than anything, we felt a sense of satisfaction that we had been obedient to what the Lord had asked of us and that He was in control of whatever may come in the future.

So where will we go from here? I have a few loose ends to tie up at work, and we have company in town this week. We're planning to wait until maybe the end of next week or beginning of the next to accept another placement. Then, we'll see where the adventure takes us next.