We got the phone call we were waiting for on Thursday morning (my birthday!) that 3-year-old, K-man, and 5-month-old, B-Boy (not their real names), would be coming to stay with us that night. I'd say we pretty immediately had an overwhelming sense of fear, but it got progressively worse as the day went on, culminating in a night of some uncontrollable tears on my part. It's hard for me to even describe the fear that overcame me. I was literally shaking on the way to pick up the boys on Thursday night. Who knew the power that a 3-year-old would have over 2 normally well-composed adults?? We met them at the office, heard a really difficult report of the situation they had been pulled from, signed all of the initial paperwork (cried a little bit as I did so), got some encouragement from our amazing agency case workers (they've pretty much become family at this point), and started to load the car. Then, all of a sudden, it hit K-man that we were going to our house and not to his own. He started to cry, and my sweet agency case worker rocked him and calmed him down, carried him to our car, and we started to drive home. He was terrified. We were terrified. He didn't know about us. We didn't quite know about him. It was just a tough drive home.
When we got home, he had settled down for the most part. It was really late, but we had to do baths. Let me tell you how difficult it is to ask a 3-year-old boy who is already terrified of his current situation to take his clothes off and try to bathe him. Thankfully, my inner fear and anxiety was completely covered by the Holy Spirit, who gave both my husband and I gentle, soft voices, filled with nurturing words we didn't even know we had. In the end, I sat and rocked K-man for a good, long while. We all prayed, and we calmed down. K-man grabbed 2 trains, his stuffed bunny, and his new blanket, crawled into bed, and fell right to sleep. Adorable side note...I have always had 4 pillows on both the top and bottom bunks in our kids' room. My husband has always teased me for that, so we laughed when I asked K-man if he wanted all of his pillows or just one, and he said he wanted all of them. Since then, he has repeatedly (quite enthusiastically) commented that, "I have lots of pillows on my bed!" So thankful that the Lord led me to put 4 pillows on his bed...haha...ok, maybe that's a stretch...
B-boy, sadly, is kind of along for the ride at this point. He's extremely happy and interactive, which is a fun contrast to Emmy when she came to us at 4 months with very few smiles. We're trying hard to establish a routine with him, but we're having to spend a lot more of our time working with K-man at this point. We're just giving ourselves a lot of grace on B-boy at this point, and he seems to be just fine.
Since then, both my husband and I have had our share of highs and lows, but I cannot tell you how faithful the Lord has been to quiet our fears and give us a deeper understanding of His love for us along the way. Here are some slightly embarrassing thoughts I need you to know that went through my head during these first 48 hours...
- Can they go back tomorrow? I hope they go back tomorrow. I at least hope they don't stay very long.
- I've made a huge mistake. The Lord is not in this.
- I don't FEEL at peace, so He must not be walking with me.
- I am going to dread this every single morning...I just know it.
- I just want to go back in time and be back to our comfortable life we had settled into lately.
Unless you've been there, it's just hard to explain the emotions involved in caring for children to whom you are not yet attached. For me, it always seems to evoke a sense of panic. Even if the week before I was REVELLING in the Lord's faithfulness in all things, I still panic. Forgive me, Lord, for my short memory.
On top of all of this, on Thursday night, as I was feeding B-boy his bottle, I had a wave of nostalgia that made me miss Emmy and miss her bad. I knew it would come, and there it was...hit me like a rock! But thankfully it doesn't end there. My sweet mom, Bebe, came to the rescue on Thursday night and was with me all day Friday and will stay through Tuesday morning. Yes, I have thanked her profusely! Yes, I know very well how lucky I am! To give a glimpse of how things have been turning around, I'll just share some specifics of our last few days:
- Last night, as my husband, myself, and K-man were saying our prayers before bed, I thanked God for bring K-man and his brother to our house, and about 3 times during the prayer, K-man made a soft, sweet, "Mmhmm."
- K-man has not brushed his teeth before arriving here Thursday night, and again, it broke our hearts to see his fear. Since then, we've had 2 very successful teeth-brushings with enthusiasm! He's even enjoying brushing his own teeth!
- K-man is learning to say "Excuse me" when he burps, and he's doing quite well.
- K-man gave my husband a huge hug on Friday without prompting when he said he had to leave for work.
- My father-in-law, Poppy was at a birthday party with all of us today. K-man was pretty petrified at first when we walked into the party, and he was very reserved for a long time at the beginning...not smiling much at all. All of a sudden, he picked up a book off the floor and said with a big grin, "I'm going to give this to Poppy!" and he did! He walked right over, sat in his lap and had him read him a story. I almost lost it.
- K-man gives sweet hugs and kisses to his baby brother. He LOVES his brother and is really sweet with him.
- K-man also gives sweet hugs to a few lucky friends of ours from time to time, and he says "Thank you" very well usually.
- Tonight, K-man finally met Layla face-to-face. We've been easing him into it, because he was pretty scared at first, but slowly he started to be intrigued, laughing at her in the yard, and wanting to give her toys whenever he saw her. We all went on a walk tonight, and Layla and the K-man were fast friends. When we got home, K-man fed her almost her entire dinner out of his hands, laughing with glee at the wet tongue on the palm of his hand. I know this may gross out some of you who aren't dog people, but we thought it was about the sweetest thing we've ever seen. He now talks to her all the time and calls her his friend :)
- Bebe and the K-man have shared many sweet, sweet moments of shared, "I love you"s :) He has a very tender heart.
I could just go on and on, but I won't. I'll share more as things settle, but I just had to share with you guys yet again how faithful the Lord is when we walk in obedience. He won't cover all of our emotions. Our sinful selves will always be at odds with our faith in Him, but I can stand fully forgiven for my lack of faith these past few days and praise His name for gently restoring my faith, and yes...even deepening it!! Before I close, I will leave you with the words of the song that came on my iPod as I took my first step on my run this afternoon (a great time of healing and renewal for my faith)...I don't make this stuff up!!!!!!
I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness awakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep
Your love it beckons deeply,
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.
Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen
VICTORIOUSLY!
Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way
My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free. now I'm free!
I have to look at these boys and see a reflection of the Father's love for me. Though I don't feel it all the time yet, and though I hear phrases like, "I'm gonna tell my momma on you" fairly regularly, I'm struck by my heavenly Father's love for me when I did nothing but reject Him.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8
What an honest and raw post! Thank you for sharing you heart - and I'm glad that I'm not the only one questioning a placement or asking in my head if they can go back.
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