I feel the need to blog tonight, but I'm going to try to make it quick. Tonight has been a really, really, really rough night. I'm not completely sure why...I just have hit rock bottom all over again. I'm going to do my best to put words to our struggles.
It started right around bed time, when I just couldn't hold the tears back any longer. I stepped out of the room for a minute, pulled myself together, composed myself for bedtime prayers and then raced downstairs to call a friend and vent. All of a sudden, I am just overwhelmed with a sense that my life is not my own anymore, and I desperately miss my husband. We are both completely petrified of this 3-year-old melting down (an irrational fear, we know), and have fallen into working hard to entertain the K-man and make sure that said meltdown doesn't happen. The result is a very fun relationship with this little guy that takes a lot of careful hard work and attention, and ultimately makes me feel like my entire world is revolving around him. I know this is a normal feeling of many moms, but it's extremely uncomfortable for me seeing as this child is not my own and doesn't even feel like my own. I love him, I do, and we've made many sweet memories, but in the back of my head, it's sometimes difficult not to resent him for pulling me away from my husband, who IS my family. Wow...I can't believe I'm really putting this in black and white, but I need to be honest, because I want those who are traveling this road with me to understand that I, too, am struggling deeply at times.
Top all of that with a layer of exhaustion, sickness (for me and B-Boy), TONS of appointments, hardly any time to spend with the Lord, and an upcoming holiday for which our plans are all potentially on the fritz, and I'm just feeling very lonely and overwhelmed all over again. I have a hard time going to bed at night, because I don't want to end my only real quality time with my husband and I'm not quite ready to start another hard, lonely day. So glad to be embarking on a holiday weekend with my sweet husband by my side. So thankful for the fun I am sure we will have celebrating Thanksgiving and decorating for Christmas. So thankful for a dear friend who KNOWS how this feels and is willing to sit and cry with me on the phone when I need it (and many others who I know I could call!!). Mostly thankful that my God is still seated on His throne, in complete control of the seeming chaos that surrounds me. So thankful to know that His plans are ALWAYS for my good and for His glory - He never compromises one or the other.
Oh, I've been there, too! It does get better, but it takes time. I feel like 3 weeks is usually a turning point for me, but it can be longer, depending on the kids. I always feel invaded for the first few weeks...my home, my husband, my life, my body are not my own. It is very hard, and I usually have meltdowns, too! It passes, though! You can do it! Just keep going one moment at a time, and pray a LOT! Yeah, you can't spend a ton of time in the word...meditate on a verse you have memorized, instead, and cry out to the Lord as you need Him (which is every moment!) My theme verse for fostering has been Philippians 4:6. Thank God for what He has done, tell Him what you need, and move on without worrying. (It's hard! But He is good!)
ReplyDeleteThe number of appointments for foster kids is ridiculous. We have to drive over an hour away for our boys' visits and Dr. appts, and between them, we have to make the trip 3 days a week sometimes...leaving the house by 7:30 AM with a 2-year old and a newborn! And that doesn't count the local appointments that aren't an hour away! So, I feel ya there!
About the 3 year old - every kid that age has meltdowns. It can be much worse for foster kids, especially since it sounds like he's been through a lot, but don't be afraid. To some extent, it's completely normal. If our 2-year old melts down while we're home, we just put him in his room and let him cry it out (depending on the cause). Which works for him, but it didn't for a 4-year old we had for respite. He threw things, and was a little more dangerous. He was challenging. But anyway, it's ok, especially at the beginning, for him to have meltdowns! His life feels like it's in upheaval, too! As he lives with you over time, you'll be able to teach him how to calm himself and deal with his desires/emotions. Over time, things settle down anyway, because he will learn your family's ways and what you expect from him and how to keep himself occupied. But be careful that you're not training him in these first few weeks that you are solely concerned with his entertainment. You can't keep that up forever, and when you stop, he'll have more meltdowns. So you might as well get it over with soon. Maybe after Thanksgiving, though, when you're home and things are "normal." ;)
I'll pray for you! This is a HUGE change! God will carry you through, though!
Beth...wow...thank you for these words. I can't tell you what an encouragement they are!
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