How fast can I blog??

This is the question I've been asking for quite some time now as I've tried to squeeze in the time, but tonight I just figured I better hunker down and get it done.

Days in our house right now are...livable, at best. We have moments of greatness, but they seem to be quickly dashed by moments of emotional downpours. The boys are doing great. My husband and I, on the other hand, are a big mess. For the sake of honesty, I am going to, yet again, give a pretty raw description of what's been going on at our house.

I'd say every night at about 8pm, after the boys have gone to bed and I've had time to think, I have a slight breakdown. I have found myself daily grasping at any piece of scripture I can read, but feeling like I come up empty. My thoughts are such a jumbled mess that I don't even know how to express them all in words, but here are things I have said most frequently while venting to dear friends (and my mom!).

I have yet to find joy in this situation. I'm learning how much easier it is to attach to babies than 3-year-olds. Even when K-man is being a great kid, he doesn't feel like my kid. I'm not sure he ever will, so often my time spent playing with him gets really, really old, and I feel like I'm babysitting - perpetually. It's especially difficult when he is able and often does say things like, "I'm gonna tell my momma on you." or "I'm not gonna stay here." I never feel hurt by these comments, but it just further establishes the wall between us that, honestly, makes this so much of a chore right now.

I also struggle with my minimal attachment to B-boy. He's an easy baby, so I feel guilty at the end of the day for the tiny amount of attention I've paid him all along the way. I had to be honest with my husband the other night and say, "I struggle with the feeling that I almost don't feel like I even care about him." He's here, and we're feeding him, bathing him, letting him sleep, but we're hardly interacting with him and hardly getting to know him...mostly driven by how overwhelmed we feel in caring for the K-man.

I got into this as a ministry alongside my husband, but since he's only home for about 1 hour of the day before bedtime, I end up feeling really lonely and overwhelmed at the end of the day. I know this is a standard "mom" feeling, but I think the added layer of emotion mentioned above makes this even more difficult. I also find it difficult, because my husband isn't getting to know these kids quite like I do, so even when he is home and in my corner, he's often 5 steps behind me in the adjustment period, feeling potentially even more intimidated than I do.

We keep getting laundry lists of ridiculous complaints from their mother. She is a master at taking the spotlight that should be on her poor parenting and projecting it onto us and onto our agency. I am often very angry about the amount of time I spend defending myself each day against the accusations of a mother who has lost the right to raise her own children.

My poor dog does not have much permission at this point to be inside during the day. Being a large puppy, a rambunctious 3-year-old who is slightly afraid of dogs is not a good match. I spend much of my day feeling terribly guilty about leaving her outside, in the garage, or in her crate for hours on end, when I know all she wants to do is be part of the family again.

Probably the biggest shift for us has been how much more our lives are daily affected. With a baby, if I was overwhelmed at the end of the day, Ricky would come home, I would cry right then, we would tag-team the rest of the day, and all was well. Now, when I'm overwhelmed, I have to bottle it in and life often seems to revolve around the boys until the coveted 7:30 bed time when I can finally break down openly :) Then, we have the daily decision of..."Do we spend good quality time together, or do we get some much-needed things done around the house?"

Again, I know that a lot of this is probably par for the course in parenting an older child, but it's been magnified a great deal by the fact that these kids have just fallen into our laps at these ages. It's a much different ballgame, and we're just really praying that the joy will come in time.

Tonight at church I was reminded that it was not easy for Jesus to go to the cross. I was reminded of his final plea, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" and I took great comfort in it. Obedience does not often feel natural...certainly not easy, but I will pray that the Holy Spirit will produce in me "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." I would appreciate your prayers on this also, and I'm sure my husband would ask the same.